Saturday, March 5, 2011

Where's a Vampire When I Need One? + Photos from The Roxy 2/19

I would like to hide my identity for this... but unfortunately it isn't possible, so I have to do this as me, Elusive S.

This is going to be really long, and by the way, I have NO filter. Consider this your warning. If you get bored or disgusted and prefer to stop reading and scream "ES, you are fucking vulgar" whilst flipping me off and running in the other direction, or scrolling to the bottom to get to the delish pics of Jackson *that totally made up for me losing my camera at their show last August* will TOTALLY get it.

That being said!
I was dating a guy for the past 2ish mos... Have I told you?
Oh my, I need another drink... :: Runs off to kitchen:: Who says I can't have a bloody mary on a Saturday night?

Anyhoo... we dated for a couple of months but hadn't done the nasty... mostly due to busy schedules and my infatuation with Jackson and getting sick at different times.

Anyway fast forward to the last couple of weeks...
We meet for dinner after work... I jokingly say something about how it's a good thing we finished eating early and after joking around he got serious and said I was going to think he was a total dork.
"Well... it's just that I got up super earlyand tomorrow is going to be a 12 hour day"
"Uh huh... so?"
"So I was kinda hoping that our first time..."
(the horrors I start to envision will not be depicted enough in what I will write next: I thought he was going to say something about being 'official' first or horror of all horrors that he had a venereal disease or hadn't been tested since 1918 or... who knows what) anyway he continues to say that he hoped our first time would be on a night where nothing had to be rushed and I could stay over etc etc...

I got sick after that and so another week of postponing...
Finally I was feeling better (it was a terrible case of Jacksonitis that involved vomiting due to severe withdrawal syndrome)... we made plans to have a mellow night in. Well the DVD finally fucking finished and I jumped his bones. It was quiet... I DON'T LIKE QUIET WHEN I'M HAVING SEX, I like to have Jackson's sex-twang voice laced through the air instead, so I can imagine, if I squeeze my eyes really tightly, that it is infact Jackson I am locking lips with. Well we play-argued about music but then it got a little annoying... we made out for about 30 minutes. I could not figure out why he kept pushing me to the side every time I'd get on him... and was increasingly frustrated that he wouldn't climb on top of me and stick it in already! I felt like Bella and her awkward attempts at getting Edward to exercise his sparkly peen. After 20 min there was a super awkward rub-ES's-hoo-ha session... which would have been hot had he used it as a platform to start off on... but he didn't... in fact he suddenly just hugs me close and sticks his face in the crevice between my jaw neck shoulder area... uh what...? He tells me he's sorry... Sorry? Sorry!? About what? Oh.... that... that's why he kept pushing me off him... not because he was afraid his granite-like sparkly peen would kill me... I asked if he wanted to watch porn (of course my idea of porn was watching all the parts of eclipse with Jasper and or putitng the 100 Monkeys DVD on repeat).... He didn't.

He kept saying how frustrated he was. 'Uh you...? What about leaving little ES hanging? How the fuck is that fair? First the world catches on that Jackson is fucking delicious and Jacksonitis spreads like a wild fire, so I settle for you because he is increasingly difficult to get alone, and now you leave me in the middle of a 14-yr-old's rub down?!' He proceeds to ask if making out was nice and if he made me feel good.... uh, what? Where? When you gave me blue-vagina? He asked if I would spend the night. At first, my reaction was, 'you've got to be fucking kidding me, the only time I ever stay at boys' houses are if I'm drunk, getting laid or drunk and getting laid and besides, I have to go home and stare at my framed photo of Jackson and take care of business'... Fine, I didn't say that either, but I thought it, and I'm sure my face conveyed it. He countered by saying the morning would be a sure-shot... This sparked my interest of course, so I stayed. We woke earrrrrly and had a repeat of the night before. We went to breakfast and had a weird, but not bad or awkward, goodbye. I left screaming "WHERE THE FUCK IS A VAMPIRE WHEN I NEED HIM!?"

Thurs night rolls around and I get a text as I'm at the gym, "Are you still at work?" "No, at the gym getting hot for Jackson- May's just around the corner" then nothing for an hour... I was sure the Jackson comment had caused the delay. An hour later I'm in the shower and my phone bleeps... "Hey, I was going to call you but I honestly don't know what I would say. I"m going through some things and am going to take a break from dating for awhile. You are amazing and it was great getting to know you. Maybe we can hang out in the future".

I responded matter of factly, 'No, sorry. Jackson may be popular, but we will surely be married by this next show.'

Ah... the wonderful world of dating I've had since the epic, cake-taker that was FuckFaceSonofABitch...
Alchomedic, Prick, SouthAfricaThatWouldntPay, EnglishDudeThatSaidHeWasDivorcedButWasn't, ShortieThatTalkedTooFuckingMuch, Psycho-Logist and now... BernarGra. Few should be so lucky to earn a nickname from me... but many do.

Jackson though? He wouldn't earn a nickname (MOS aside)... he would earn a plaque... in the shape of an MOS.

That being said, here are a few photos from 100 Monkey's show @ The Roxy Feb 19... Jen and I met up w/some lovely ladies, Zina, Linda, Jessica and the fab girls at Borderline Phenomenal , Jamie and Amanda... Just loved meeting them, too much fun!

MOS... need I say more?
I had the longest window of opportunity to snap shots
as he was staring directly at me, but they all fucking blurred...
my camera was more tingly nervous than me!

Killer smile

Jamie and I
Jessica and Jen
Jen & ES
Jaymes805, Elusive S, Demanda, TwiredJen
Sistas w/Zina

Muchos besos!



  1. I'm dying!!! I can't see thru my tears! I even ran up stairs to tell Amanda she HAS to read this before I even finished (sorry for talking about "finishing", I'm sure it's a sore subject)

    Dude....WTF is wrong with men?!? Especially men who don't play Vampires on movies? I've had my fair share of winners/weiners but that guy is pretty much up there with the best of them. Soooo no explanation or anything? Just a "hey so this isn't working" text? Awesome guy!

    I have to comment on my favorite parts of this post:

    "Anyhoo... we dated for a couple of months but hadn't done the nasty... mostly due to busy schedules and my infatuation with Jackson and getting sick at different times." <---- I swear I am never going to find a guy because they all look like bridge trolls compared to him.

    It was a terrible case of Jacksonitis that involved vomiting due to severe withdrawal syndrome" <----lol I finally had just gotten over my withdrawal because they announced the May show. But last night with all the people tweeting about the Vancouver show, it was back in full effect.

    I asked if he wanted to watch porn (of course my idea of porn was watching all the parts of eclipse with Jasper and or putting the 100 Monkeys DVD on repeat).... He didn't. <----Best porn ever! I might need to watch some porn tomorrow. I'm watching some porn right now but he's super young in this porn so I feel kinda creepy (Watching Beautiful People. It should be called "Shitty Actresses". For reals)

    I love you. This seriously made my night. One of the best blog posts I've ever read. Now go Rathgasm over at and follow that shit! :)

  2. bahahahaha no way not too soon to talk about finishing... too funny thouhg.

    BP... I watched every episode he was in over the summer of 09 just because he was so stinking yummy... in fact, i meant to tell you, he looked like that at The Roxy, I thought. Very Nicky Fiske-esque.

    AND TOTALLY TOTALLY agree with the bridge-troll problem... sigh... Maybe we'll just share Jackson... LA is sort of in the middle...ish.



    I cannot wait to drink Bloody Marys with you and Jen. That is all.

    Oh, and NEVER take a drink before saying 'cheers'. Apparently, seven years bad sex. No one needs that.


  4. Aside from being left with a raging case of blue-vagina (LOL), I think you are lucky to have escaped. He sounds like a pussy. He might have even had his own vagina.

    FLOVE the ex's nicknames, brilliant!

    And you all looked gorgeous at the show btw. I'm sure the only reason Jackson didn't jump one of you is because he couldn't decide between all of you!


  5. Guys suck <-not much of an explanation needed huh?

    No seriously that dudes a tool... did he have E.D.? Maybe that's the problem he needed a little blue pill while watching Matlock and dining on his early bird special lol.

    Jackson is still single right??? So you totally have a shot :)

  6. Odd. Did he still have his V-card or gay?? Been married a long time so a guy turning it down does not compute... Did it appear to be in functioning order? Maybe he has ED....?

  7. Dying laughing.

    If Mr TK wises up & leaves my crazy ass or meets his untimely death after letting the trash pile up to Hoarders levels, I will not date again. It's too much freaking work. In the old days, (*shines AARP card*) all you had to do was yell "I have a vagina!" on a crowded street & you had a ring on your finger almost instantly.

  8. PMSL!!! Wow. WOW! I am so sorry that happened to you but what great post material. You are funny as hell, ES! I agree with TwiKiwi50. I cannot WAIT to meet you.

    I went from "Awwwwww! What a romantic" after I read "he hoped our first time would be on a night where nothing had to be rushed and I could stay over etc etc..." to "You've got to be kidding me" when I read that he broke up with you all Joe Jonas/Taylor Swift like via a text message.

    I'm sorry so many of us are obsessing over your man. But posting more hot...sweaty...MOS...picks isn't helping your cause any ;)



  9. Haha hell yes we can share Jackson!!! Sounds like the perfect deal to me.

    "No, at the gym getting hot for Jackson- May's just around the corner" - LOL totally me. After I found out they were playing at The Roxy, I was like "Shit! I only have a month for the gym!!!! NOT ENOUGH TIIIIIME!" We're weird. Or awesome.

  10. Bwahahaha!! Elusive S, you crack me up. I wish you the best in your endeavor to find someone who is not a dick or an asshole. Meanwhile, have the time of your life with your girlfriends, and the MOS.

  11. Aw girrrrrls! I'm so glad I made you laugh/cry (vomit in your mouth a little?)!

    Twikiwi-Thanks for the tip! lol
    Can't wait to meet you! Soon!

    Smitten-Glad you loved the nicknames... I put a lot of thought into them over the years and had a lot of contributors (mostly Jen and our mom) :) Ahhh yah the blue vagina... I too think he might have had a vagina, an anemic pale pink one! Bahaha loved your comment!
    Esp the Jackson part ;)

    TheonlyMrs(Kassie)Cullen- No ED... there were small appearances... Pill yes, matlock and earlybird special YES! Did I mention we went to bed at like 10 and got up at 6? On a Sunday morning?! Oh right, I purposefully left that out! Jackson is so NOT single... Jaymes805 and I are sharing him... I get weekends and holidays, she gets weekdays, except when he's away filming/playing gigs:)

    Reecee-No ED... DID see a tiny nod... and there were a few stiff moments. The gayness is a poss... if only slight... And the V Card? Not from what he told me... I think I was just too much woman to handle ;)

    TexasKatherine-What a great comment! So true about the vagina-screaming... sigh. Maybe I just gravitate towards a-sexual or homosexual males... (JACKSON aside of COURSE) who could say!

    LISA MY LOVE!-What, we HAVEN'T met? I feel like we have! lol I srsly can't believe this whole bernargra thing but I have to admit the very first thing I thought after the text was "He has soooo given me rights to blog about it!" :)

    Jamie! Wish we could gym together... maybe we should text while we're at the gym.. motivational jackouragements... :D

    Ziiiiiiina-Thank you... dicks, assholes and pussies... please tell me you were thinking Team America?


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