Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Five Peens. Sparkly or Otherwise.

Dear future man friend (who in this case, is not Jackson... for if it were Jackson, this list would be completely unnecessary) or do-gooder friend or conscience-emitting parental/sisterly unit (who might try and talk me down from this regardless of my marital status),

I thought you should know of a key contingency I require of a romantic relationship, it is quite simple: Should I ever have even the slightest glimmer of a chance to have sex with (though this is not limited to sex-It could be kissing, fondling, marrying or dating) any of the five men pictured below, (unless it is proved unto me beforehand that they have a small, uncircumsized, crooked peen and are crap kissers-yes, it must be all of the fore mentioned), my behavior shall be considered warranted and not considered cheating.

...Hell, call it cheating if you want, if I'm having sex with any of these men (particularly 1-3), I won't really care about current 'future man friend' anymore.

Drum roll please!
Joe Jonas!

...just kidding, gosh! (But I do feel a little tween in creating this post... ah, well.)

Jackson Rathbone... J. Action... Mr MOS, if you will. Does this come as any surprise? Anyone who knows me or has followed the bloggy likes of Twired should not be in a state of shock. Oh Jackson, you just scream rainy-day-in-bed sex. HO-LY HELL that mouth, those dimples, those eyes, that contagious energy and charming personality. Top it off with rockstar and there is just no way I could possibly say no, should the chance present itself.

2. Robert Pattinson... Though in the case of Mr R Pattz, I must say it would be preferable that the sex be with Robward. Oh Rob(ward)... Tousled hair, jaw of porn, Rob when he's tan... Adorkable Rob laugh, Rob goofing around. Yes, please. He is the most conventionally unconventional sexy man, I doubt anyone could pass up the chance to do him- even if he did have a small, crooked, unmanageable sparkly peen... He is the exception, who wouldn't still do him?

3. Jerad Anderson... OK, OK... he's married. But let's say he got a freebie too... but it wasn't a celeb freebie, it was a fan freebie ... Fan Five, if you will. Oh Jerad. Gorgeous, 1000 watt smile and immeasurably sexy on stage. Hello, Rockstar.

4. Jude Law... Simply, ridiculously sexy. That's really all there is to it. So what if he cheated with the nanny... this is my freebie 5, so it assumes I am 'cheating' too... might as well make a party out of it. Hell, if cheating is the case, I bet my ex would like to join in as well. Oh wait... agk ick gah! Erase! Terrible image burning into my mind... Almost ruined my Jude Law moment, almost.

5. Dare I say it? Dare I? Nummmmber five. Patrick Dempsey... Ahh McDreamy... I found him hot before McDreamy was even an apple in Shonda Rhymes' eye. He's also married... but... but! Man, all the good ones are always taken. The same logic for getting into Jerad Anderson's pants goes with Patrick :)

Runners up/honorable mention, in no particular order:

Peter Facinelli. ...

Chris Martin

Johnny Depp

Bradley Cooper... (when did he get hot?) The Hangover did it for me.

Oh, and for the record, I almost put : Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Rob, Jerad. 0:)

Sweet peen dreams,



  1. Wow, you must be one helluva fan of Patrick Dempsey when you don't even know his nickname is McDreamy, not McSteamy! tsk tsk! :P

  2. OHMYGOD... NO, I know-I was just up unti 1am writing that and twisister kept posting away! Changing now! Thanks oh awesome editor :)

  3. LMAO! Love the Rob in the mirror and your "painting"

  4. right now, at this very moment, I am eating some fucking DELICIOUS alfredo ravioli made lovingly by Mr. Cougar's own hands at his restaurant, which happens to be conveniently located right next to my office. It's so g'damned good, at this moment in time, my Freebie 5 would be 1) Mr. Cougar, 2) Mr. Cougar, 3) Mr. Cougar, 4) Mr. Cougar, 5) Mr. Cougar. It also helps that while I was lying in bed reading Water for Elephants last night, he unceremoniously slipped his hand in my panties like a fucking Rock Star.

    That having been said, tonight, when he steals the damn remote and forces me to watch Dances with Fucking Wolves again, my Freebie 5 will fall back into proper perspective. 1)Larry Richman - a.k.a. @Larry411 on twitter. 2)Peter Facinelli 3) Channing Tatum 4) Hugh Jackman 5) Taye Diggs.

    Jude Law is on my runner-up list because I wanted to fuck him like an animal in The Holiday.

    The Cougar's Den

  5. @Mama Cougar: Did those ravioli happen to have mushrooms in them? ;) I'm assuming RPattz isn't on the list because you don't want to ruin the image of him you have in your head. Say for instance he does have a teeny weeny uncircumsized peen...

    PS What's this about reading something other than Twilight? I haven't been able to pick up and finish any other book since August. Though, I have heard Water for Elephants is pretty damn good.

  6. Jude Law has been a fantasy for a loooong time. Love him and his bad boy ways. LMAO! Your list is quite a list!

  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

  8. fungus in the ravioli. And precisely correct. The beloved Pretty will NEVER, and may I repeat for fucking emphasis, NEVER, EVER be in my Freebie 5. Because he's a deity in my mind and fucking him would be a mortal sin. I prefer to keep his archangel image pure and virtuous in my own mind.

    And I'm reading Water for Elephants because rumor has it that RPatz has been cast in the role of the protagonist Jacob in the film adaptation, so I have the delicious visual while reading. And Papa's fingers, natch.


  9. OMG, now all I can visualize is you in bed with Papa Cougar...and Water for Elephants flung across the room...pages bent in disarray.

    Now that you mention it, I do remember hearing a rumour about RPattz & a film adaptation of the book. Might have to grab that next time I get one of those lovely Borders coupons. ;)

  10. @ Mama Cougar-bahaha! I love your double list :)
    @ Mrs P-Definitely the bad boy thing w/Jude... he's like an English private school boy gone bad. In fact, I think that might be exactly what he is...

    There's something similar to that in that photo of jackson up there-burberry button-down with a tight tee over it and longish, messy locks... something dirty-sexy mixed in with the preppy. Mmm and in person: southern charm with a bit of a dirty mouth and likes to get his drink on... but, with a winning smile-hooooooooooool-ly hell.

  11. Haven't thought about freebie 5 for a while. I'm there with Robward and Jude Law all the way.


Say it...OUT LOUD!