Tuesday, February 16, 2010

THE Table.

OMG we're nearing 40 followers! Which is almost FIFty which is half of one HUN-dred! Yippee!

Elusive as I am, I have to share a laugh I had the other day when the most blasphemous comment was made to me by a random teacher-y lady in Barnes & Noble... You see, I was shopping for Jen's birthday presents and happened upon THE table. You all know what table I am talking about: The Twilight Paraphernalia Table... Full of the (expected) copies of Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn (as if there is anyone who doesn't yet have a copy?!), calendars, bookmarks, 'keep sake boxes', journals, posters, guides... etc, etc. But as I 'nonchalantly' perused, something new caught my eye; Nightlight: A Twilight Parody by The Harvard Lampoon. I snagged it, relieved that (since it was a parody), had I been asked, I wouldn't have to admit my twitartedly, twired behavior, jacksonitis and robsession to someone...

Back to blasphomous comment! Teacher lady eyes me from across the table and I eye back (I am a bit worried-Twilight Time is my private time... my special place that is mostly shared alone or with sista). Then she uttered words I was not expecting; "Watch out, they're addicting.". "Excuse me, what?" I am sure my face read just that. Being a bit more reclusive in my [public] twilight endeavors I just managed a smile, a nod and an 'I know'. Mind you, it was 10 on a Sunday morning and had consumed only 1 cup of coffee... I occasionally come across as reserved... even though in
actuality I am feverishly outgoing and painfully opinionated... Anyhoo, behind the quiet exterior of Sunday Morning Barnes and Noble Sarah, here's what was really going through my mind: Addicting? First of all, it's 'addictive', teacher lady, what grade do you teach? Secondly, watch out? Do you know I have a BLOG? A freaking BLOG. Dedicated to all things Twilight (Rob and Jackson in particular)? Do you know I have seen Jackson FIVE times and spoken to him three times? Do you know I have an only half-joking plan to squirm my way into Jackson's life, f*ck his brains out and then get him to marry me so I can have it for the rest of my existence? Didja know Rob was about two yards away from us at the NM premiere? NM premiere? Did you know we waited in line all day for that? Did you know Alex Meraz tweeted my sister and we saw Julia Jones at The Grove in Westwood after I saw her in CBTL the month before?! Do you know that I suffer from an intense strain of jacksonitis and that I am highly contagious? Come just a liiiiiitle closer and I'll show you how addictive (erm, contagious) it actually is, because lady, I'm past the warnee stage. I should be the one to warn you, trust me :)

Ah, let's take a short trip back to
Nightlight for anyone that is interested... I of course, like most of us am a bit sensitive and protective about anything twilight... but for some reason appreciate parodies and twilight jokes, maybe because I realize how extensive my obsession is? Example- I [puffy] heart RPattz, but I find the 'melted candle' cartoon freaking hysterical.

Anyhoo, Nightlight: Belle Goose and Edwart Mullen in Switchblade... that about sold me. The rear cover sent it under my arm, enroute to the register:

"About three things I was absolutely certain.First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe.
Second, there was a vampire part of him – which I assumed was wildly out of his control – that wanted me dead.And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he had kissed me."

And thus Belle Goose falls in love with the mysterious and sparkly Edwart Mullen in the Harvard Lampoon's hilarious send-up.

Pale and klutzy, Belle arrives in Switchblade, Oregon, looking for adventure or at least an undead classmate. She soon discovers Edwart, a super-hot computer nerd with zero interest in girls. After witnessing a number of strange events - Edwart leaves his Tater Tots untouched at lunch! edwart saves her from a flying snowball! - Belle has a dramtic revelation: Edwart is a vampire. But how can she convince Edwart to bite her when he seems to find girls so repulsive?

Complete with romance, danger, insufficient parental guardianship, creepy stalkerlike behavior, and a vampire prom, Nightlight is the uprorious tale of a vampire-obsessed girl, looking for love in all the wrong places."

Sounds funny, right? I got it home and skimmed through it (I felt like I had found a fab new FF or something). Yeah, not so good- the back cover was probably the funniest writing in the whole thing... thus I exchanged it for, "Are You There Vodka? It's me, Chelsea" By Chelsea Handler. Ah well, it gave me a second to have a silent, 1-sided screaming match about the effects of the crack-laced work of Stephenie Meyer that is Twilight.

And with that, Elusive S must get back to rl studying. Happy Birthday big sis.



  1. Sarah, I love this post!! The first time I went to THE table at Borders was to get buy my Pocket Edward. I had taken the afternoon off to pick him up and go to a movie, so my co-workers knew what I was up to and alternated between amusement and thinking I needed intervention. When I got to THE table, even I was afraid I needed intervention because I didn't know how I was going to walk away with just Pocket Edward. I even took a picture of THE table of goodiese with my cell phone and sent it back to one of my co-workers with the message "HELP!" typed below it. LOL! Well, I stayed strong that day and bought just Pocket Edward. When I went to check out, the male sales clerk asked if it was a gift or for me. I wanted to shout, "Is it really any of your fucking business?" Instead, I looked him straight in the eye and calmly said, "He's all mine. Is that wrong?" That made him squirm. Touche, mofo.

    Of course, I have been back to THE table since then and bought magazines, bookmarks, adhesive bandages, candy, and a calendar. I have never been asked since if the item was for me or intended as a gift. The word must be out on me ;)


    P.S.: How is the birthday girl feeling today? Old? Hungover? Both? LOL!

  2. I want to just see the table and all of the stuff! I love that you took a picture of it. I am so glad I am not the only crazy obessed fan of this book series.

  3. ahhh the table--like a mini-Forks in a store.

    When purchasing Twilight related stuff (most recently the New Moon Edward Sweethearts and Rob Pattinson calendar) I'm not above grinning and telling the cashier, "These are for the teenager that babysits for us--definitely not for me." The reactions have spanned from women my age asking if I have read the books and then me holding up the line while we chatted to young guys smirking back at me and saying, "sure it is."

    I'm prepared to tell any questioning cashier why I am buying 3 copies of Details mag--"It is pretty fuckin' self explanatory, so swipe my damn card!"

  4. I gotta check out that table again!

    Happy Birthday Jen!


  5. Aaaiigghhh I miss The Table - I need to get to one and soon. I love to just soak in all the Twilighty goodness and decide what I will buy.

    I am always just asked if I need a gift receipt, I just smile and say no :)

    Great story of the inner workings of your mind during your interaction with the teacher, I love it.

    Hope big sis enjoyed her day!

  6. Sista' LOVED this post. Hysterical! And woot woot almost 40, which means almost 50 followers!
    Thank you everyone!!!

  7. @Dangerdafne-Thanks :) And kudos on not accepting a gift receipt! :P

    @Twifilteredbrain: LOVE it-mini forks store (on a table, in Barnes and Noble... in your very own town!)

    @Nocona-I have to admit-I google pictured the table (I hadn't thought to turn this into a blog at the time) though... it did look just like that :)

    @17foreverlisa: POCKET EDWARD! I saw him... I almost bought him for Jen. You are a crack up... yes I'm sure they must have scouts out there watching our every move... to see if we are going to buy more stuff...

  8. Hi Sarah, I don't think we've met. I'm TC twilight cupcake. I hear you're throwing a good old bash for the big sis. So nice of you :)
    We don't have the Borders table up here b/c we don't have Borders in Canada. At our biggest bookstore it's Indigo and they have a much smaller section. they have bookmarks, t shirts, bags, posters, and calendars. Oh and the occasional chocolate bar Godiva new moon themed and magnets too. But I've been wanting those bandaids for a long time.
    I always surreptitiously check out that section of the store and get a true buzz every time I know I'm even going near it. Never actually had to talk to anyone there though. That would send me over the edge and I'd run away screaming.
    Good luck with party and cake!

  9. OMG @Twilightcupcake...I get a buzz too! Seeing all of that paraphernalia gives me a quick high ;)
    I have never done drugs, so I have no clue what it feels like...but OMG I take a Twi-high any day!


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