Thursday, February 11, 2010

We wouldn't be here if we weren't #4.

In the past couple of months, I have convinced two of my neighbors to borrow my Twilight books...Hey, I'm a generous gal (not like I don't have two sets.) Naively, I expected both neighbors to dutifully report back that they'd been sucked into the supremely euphoric vortex that is Twilight. Well, one is headed that way, much to my satisfaction, and the other, not so much. This got me thinking, and in turn gave me an idea for a post...Here's my theory:

I believe their are 4 types of women in this world:

#1. Women that haven't read Twilight: much to my dismay, they do exist. I have questioned (interrogated) these women, often co-workers, friends of friends or random strangers (yes I'm a Twi-pusher) why they haven't read the saga...Their responses can be grouped into 4 sub categories:

a. "I'm afraid to get sucked in..." I'm ever so slightly sympathetic & can understand this response. Nothing like a healthy dose of fear! The majority of these ladies are normally quite easy to break...they're usually the type that crave addiction, and thus will eventually give in.

b. "I have no interest in Vampires..." Neither did I, and now look at me! Normally I'll give a bit more of an enthusiastic response, such as... "Oh my gosh, there is so much more to the books than the Vampire aspect. Think uncontrollable lust, outer worldly romance & fantastical danger!" If that doesn't hook em', I just tell them to open the the 1st book (I'll even offer them mine.) Surely the crack laden pages will do the trick.

That's very un-Mormon of you Stephenie Meyer.

c. "I don't have time to read..." Um...WTF?!? That's like saying you don't have time to slug back a glass of wine...You don't have time? Pick up the books and you'll find time, trust me. Whether you omit sleep all together, or sneak in a paragraph on your way to the grocery store...("No, I didn't see that pedestrian Officer Douchebag, I was on the verge of finding out if Bella made it to the clock tower!")

Twired does not endorse reading while driving...(unless it's Twilight.)

Thank Gawd (I mean Rob) that I didn't have kids while reading the Saga. Seriously, they might have ended up dead.

KIDS: "Morning Mommmy, what's for breakfast?"
ME: "Shhhhhhh...I'm reading..."
KIDS: "...but Mommy?"

I figured an African baby with a protruding belly might be a tad bit inappropriate.

d. "Twilight Vampires make a mockery of the originals." Read it, pretend it's not a Vampire book. I promise, you'll eat it up. If not, you could possibly be missing a gene. That or you're a close-minded skank.

Moving on...

#2. Women that have read it, and either don't finish, or give it a mediocre rating. Stick a fork of my ass why don't ya? (Did someone just say FORRRKKKKSSS???!!!) It's not like this is gawd damn Harry Potter! If the crack in the pages doesn't hook them'...I'm afraid theirs no hope. I have met 2 people like this, and it pisses me off. Seeing as I'm as clumsy as Bella...I'll leave the ass kicking to James...

You thought it was just "ok"???

#3. Women that have read it & thoroughly enjoyed it, but don't become OBSESSED....(huh?) A few of my friends are like this. I have pushed Twilight on two of my best friends, we'll call them JB & SL. Granted they really enjoyed the books. JB actually went out and purchased the set for herself. Twired Sista' Sarah and I even got our NST Mom (who happens to be pretty kick ass) to read the books as well. All 3 of these ladies, UNFORTUNATELY, ended up being Team Jacob, (another fork up my ass.) They all watched Twilight & New Moon, and JB and NST Mom even participated in our pre-New Moon movie slumber party! SL has since moved on *sigh*... Twilight doesn't run her life like it does ours...though I do give her kudos for politely listening to me jabber on and on about Twilight, RPattz & Robsten anytime we're together. Both JB and SL are looking forward to Eclipse, which is good....maybe there's still hope...NST Mom scored extra points when she accompanied us to see New Moon again...her 2nd time...our 4th ;) I'm thinking she might even come along to LA for a Twi Conv in March...I baited her with the notion that Alex Meraz is supposed to be there (did I mention she digs him too?) I think she's hoping this will happen to her.

For SL, JB & NST Mom...I know you were Team Jacob, more in the book than the movie...however, I thought you might appreciate this:

So ladies, I'm LEGAL.

#4. Women like *US*... and I say that with an illustrious sigh. We know who we are...the Twitards of the Universe. We've devoured the books, often purchasing duplicate copies (gawd forbid something were to happen to one of them,) we've read the saga multiple times, watched Twilight who knows how many times, replayed the Edward Cullen "entrance into the cafeteria" scene a zillion times, all the while falling off of the couch in a collective "squeeeee!" We've fallen unconditionally & irrevocably in love with Edward Cullen, which in turn made us fall hardcore for Robert Pattinson. We've taken to googling all things Twilight, often staying up into the early hours of the morning on multiple occasions searching for the latest Twi news or RPattz pics. We've even stooped to creating blogs devoted to Twilight & RPattz to purge ourselves of this insanity & hopefully find comfort in sharing it with other Twihards. We've graduated to creating Twitter accounts to share in this obsessive dependence all the while pimping our blogs. Some of us have started reading & or writing fan fiction. Yes ladies, this is us. We must stand tall (well not all of us...Jenny Jerkface & Latchkeywife) & proudly embrace our Twitardedness...

I may not be a Mom, but I feel their giddy excitement...

In closing, I will leave you with this final thought:

People that have newborns often say that they can't remember what life was like prior to giving birth. That's exactly how I feel about Twilight.

You're comparing me to Twilight? WTF!

*And just in case you didn't of Rob on the set of Bel Ami!!! Check them out HERE.

Come on, you know I had to add that in somewhere...right? ;)



  1. Just the other day I was trying to trace back the origin of my online twicommunity/obsession. How EXACTLY did I end up here? How did I get from point A to point SQUEEEE? It took me a moment, but I did it ( to Twitarded blog to well, here I am). It is like a time warp, life pre Twitardia and post. How the hell did I get here? How will it end? OMG, we need our own movie. LOL. Or maybe just xanex..lots and lots of xanex.

  2. @fanficzombie- Seriously. I finished reading the saga right before the filming of I got sucked into,, as well as some sites owned by gals in Vancouver...maliciousmandysmind & vancityally. From there, somehow I found the Edward panties and got plopped right into Twitarded's blog. I think the internet aided in my obsession..for sure.

  3. I love this post. It's so dead on. I only have one friend in town who fits #4; hence I think that's why most of us seek out other #4 so the other 3 groups don't cart us off to the nut farm.
    It's quite funny how you never know who will fall in what category. There are friends you think will be a 3 and end up as a 2. It almost leaves a weird void knowing that they don't get it. Glad that there is the blogging/twitter community to enable each other.

  4. @twilighcupcake...I am so thankful for this bloggy community! Otherwise someone may throw me in the nut farm!

  5. Excellent post and so dead on true.

    I am glad I can't remember life pre-Twilight, it couldn't have been much of one ;)

    I wish I could convert some more people but I am happy that at least Dangrmomma has read them (actually just the first 3 so far), my trainer is currently reading Eclipse and I just bought the whole set for my best friend who is going with me to FFOORRKKSS!!!! So three women in my real life understand my craziness, they are not as deep in as me but at least they get it. That is why I have all of you and I wouldn't trade any of you for anything, well almost anything ;) RPattz, PFach, etc. lol

  6. @Dangrdafne: Funny how we all say "except for RPattz"...I think we'd all trade alot for him...LOL Except for @MamaCougar, she never wants to see him in person...doesn't want to ruin the fantasy of him...if he were to scratch his balls or spit a load of mucus onto the ground...she's afraid it would ruin his God-like existence.

  7. This is awesome. I actually had a friend who said exactly what you listed.. "I don't want to get sucked in". SUCKS FOR HER!!! LOLOL!!!

  8. Great post, Jen!! I'm proud to be a #4 and sharing all of this with people like you. There are seven of us at work who started on this Twilight journey. Sadly, I am the only #4 in the group. The rest were all #3 until today. One actually said to me when I was talking about the Bel Ami pics that she's just not in to Rob and has kind of lost interest in the whole thing, actually. She never even made it to see New Moon. We've been friends for 11 years. That all ended today. Just sayin'.

  9. @Lisa: OMG, I would be so let down! I already knew my two besties weren't into it like me, so I accepted that a long time ago.
    Thank GAWD, my Sister remained just as obsessed. She got me into, and has obviously accompanied me on this journey. I don't mind if she has jacksonitis... She LOVES Rob to!

  10. OK typo galore. Sorry...wish I could go back and edit comments once they're posted!

  11. Well said. Of course I'm #4 too. One of my co-workers tried to read Twilight & didn't finish it!!! I do not understand those kind of people. What the hell is wrong with them?

  12. I have a theory about the Number Twos and Threes of this world: They didn't get their nose close enough to the pages... therefore didn't sniff the crack that was laced in the pages.


  13. @Twired Sarah - Or maybe all of us #4s didn't leave any traces behind??? LOL!

  14. @Lisa & @Sar
    OMG tooo funny!!! I don't "get" them either...

  15. @17foreverlisa-Yess!!! That must be it... that is probably why people who read second hand copies don't get as hooked...


  16. LOL! You could be my new best friend! You just spoke what I have been thinking. I have my hard back books that I hate to lone out because they are my treasure. My hubby bought them for me for Valentine's last year. I have paper backs of the 1st three to loan out. I talk to everyone about it. Complete stangers inline, "So are you a Twilight fan?" I have converted several friends. One sister in law refuses to read them because she thinks we are all nuts. The other one read them before they became popular and like them a lot and then as soon as they hit pop culture is on to other things. But I did get her to wear a Team Edward Tshirt to the midnight showing of New Moon. The third sister in law refuses to read them because good Christian girls don't read Vampire books and her husband won't let her. Well this pastor's wife devoured them and if her husband knew how much action he would get if he had her read them (especially the scenes in Edwards bedroom in Eclipse.) he would be buying her the set too. I think every woman is missing out if she is not in the Twilight world. I so agree with your post about not remembering life before Twilight. I got an Edward barbie for my birthday and an Alice hair cut. I loved your entire post.

  17. @Nocona: OMG me too! I had all paperbacks, then my friend got the hardback set from her Mom...she knew I really wanted it...SO i gave her my paperback breaking dawn (which she hadn't yet read) and I bought the 3 hard backs off of her for like $25...I already had BD in hardback (other three in paper)...So now I have 3 paperback (minus bd) and the whole set in hard back. Too funny!

  18. @Nocona: PS thank you! You are super sweet. I have been curious to ask my boyfriends Sister if she has read it or if her daughters have read it...but they are super Christian. I know some Christians think it's bad to read about Vampires, but then some support it because of the no sex till marriage aspect...Who knows?!?

  19. @Sarah...So true! Never thought about the 2nd hand copy theory...

  20. One of my best friends called me when she was reading NM and could not believe Jacob was a warewolf and said that ruined it for her. What?! I mean did you not see that one coming? Bella dreamed about Edward being a Vampire and Jacob being a wolf in Twilight. She finished the books but made fun of my love for them. But she is not really a girlie girl and looks at a lot of things like a man.


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