We wouldn't be here if we weren't #4.

In the past couple of months, I have convinced two of my neighbors to borrow my Twilight books...Hey, I'm a generous gal (not like I don't have two sets.) Naively, I expected both neighbors to dutifully report back that they'd been sucked into the supremely euphoric vortex that is Twilight. Well, one is headed that way, much to my satisfaction, and the other, not so much. This got me thinking, and in turn gave me an idea for a post...Here's my theory:

I believe their are 4 types of women in this world:

#1. Women that haven't read Twilight: much to my dismay, they do exist. I have questioned (interrogated) these women, often co-workers, friends of friends or random strangers (yes I'm a Twi-pusher) why they haven't read the saga...Their responses can be grouped into 4 sub categories:

a. "I'm afraid to get sucked in..." I'm ever so slightly sympathetic & can understand this response. Nothing like a healthy dose of fear! The majority of these ladies are normally quite easy to break...they're usually the type that crave addiction, and thus will eventually give in.

b. "I have no interest in Vampires..." Neither did I, and now look at me! Normally I'll give a bit more of an enthusiastic response, such as... "Oh my gosh, there is so much more to the books than the Vampire aspect. Think uncontrollable lust, outer worldly romance & fantastical danger!" If that doesn't hook em', I just tell them to open the the 1st book (I'll even offer them mine.) Surely the crack laden pages will do the trick.

That's very un-Mormon of you Stephenie Meyer.

c. "I don't have time to read..." Um...WTF?!? That's like saying you don't have time to slug back a glass of wine...You don't have time? Pick up the books and you'll find time, trust me. Whether you omit sleep all together, or sneak in a paragraph on your way to the grocery store...("No, I didn't see that pedestrian Officer Douchebag, I was on the verge of finding out if Bella made it to the clock tower!")

Twired does not endorse reading while driving...(unless it's Twilight.)

Thank Gawd (I mean Rob) that I didn't have kids while reading the Saga. Seriously, they might have ended up dead.

KIDS: "Morning Mommmy, what's for breakfast?"
ME: "Shhhhhhh...I'm reading..."
KIDS: "...but Mommy?"
ME: "I said SSSHHHHHHHHH!

I figured an African baby with a protruding belly might be a tad bit inappropriate.

d. "Twilight Vampires make a mockery of the originals." Read it, pretend it's not a Vampire book. I promise, you'll eat it up. If not, you could possibly be missing a gene. That or you're a close-minded skank.


Moving on...

#2. Women that have read it, and either don't finish, or give it a mediocre rating. Stick a fork of my ass why don't ya? (Did someone just say FORRRKKKKSSS???!!!) It's not like this is gawd damn Harry Potter! If the crack in the pages doesn't hook them'...I'm afraid theirs no hope. I have met 2 people like this, and it pisses me off. Seeing as I'm as clumsy as Bella...I'll leave the ass kicking to James...

You thought it was just "ok"???

#3. Women that have read it & thoroughly enjoyed it, but don't become OBSESSED....(huh?) A few of my friends are like this. I have pushed Twilight on two of my best friends, we'll call them JB & SL. Granted they really enjoyed the books. JB actually went out and purchased the set for herself. Twired Sista' Sarah and I even got our NST Mom (who happens to be pretty kick ass) to read the books as well. All 3 of these ladies, UNFORTUNATELY, ended up being Team Jacob, (another fork up my ass.) They all watched Twilight & New Moon, and JB and NST Mom even participated in our pre-New Moon movie slumber party! SL has since moved on *sigh*... Twilight doesn't run her life like it does ours...though I do give her kudos for politely listening to me jabber on and on about Twilight, RPattz & Robsten anytime we're together. Both JB and SL are looking forward to Eclipse, which is good....maybe there's still hope...NST Mom scored extra points when she accompanied us to see New Moon again...her 2nd time...our 4th ;) I'm thinking she might even come along to LA for a Twi Conv in March...I baited her with the notion that Alex Meraz is supposed to be there (did I mention she digs him too?) I think she's hoping this will happen to her.

For SL, JB & NST Mom...I know you were Team Jacob, more in the book than the movie...however, I thought you might appreciate this:

So ladies, I'm LEGAL.

#4. Women like *US*... and I say that with an illustrious sigh. We know who we are...the Twitards of the Universe. We've devoured the books, often purchasing duplicate copies (gawd forbid something were to happen to one of them,) we've read the saga multiple times, watched Twilight who knows how many times, replayed the Edward Cullen "entrance into the cafeteria" scene a zillion times, all the while falling off of the couch in a collective "squeeeee!" We've fallen unconditionally & irrevocably in love with Edward Cullen, which in turn made us fall hardcore for Robert Pattinson. We've taken to googling all things Twilight, often staying up into the early hours of the morning on multiple occasions searching for the latest Twi news or RPattz pics. We've even stooped to creating blogs devoted to Twilight & RPattz to purge ourselves of this insanity & hopefully find comfort in sharing it with other Twihards. We've graduated to creating Twitter accounts to share in this obsessive dependence all the while pimping our blogs. Some of us have started reading & or writing fan fiction. Yes ladies, this is us. We must stand tall (well not all of us...Jenny Jerkface & Latchkeywife) & proudly embrace our Twitardedness...

I may not be a Mom, but I feel their giddy excitement...

In closing, I will leave you with this final thought:

People that have newborns often say that they can't remember what life was like prior to giving birth. That's exactly how I feel about Twilight.

You're comparing me to Twilight? WTF!

*And just in case you didn't see...pics of Rob on the set of Bel Ami!!! Check them out HERE.

Come on, you know I had to add that in somewhere...right? ;)


XOXO J